Lillie Allison – on knowing a secret.

Woods Hole, Massachusetts
August 9, 2000

Dear Paul,

What’s new? There’s a lot going on in my world. The main thing is that my aunt and uncle are having problems with their marriage. When I told my cousin I was going to write this she made me promise not to use any real names. I’m going to change them. I’ll call my cousin Emily (her request), her brother Tony, her father Mark, and her mom Sarah.

The worst part is Emily is my best friend. I can’t imagine being in her place. I see her all the time. We’re like sisters. We’re always together and at each other’s house. Up until now we’ve also shared all our secrets. I found out about her parents before she did. I thought that when she found out she’d call me and we’d talk about it. She might be crying and I’d help her feel better. But when she really did find out it wasn’t like that at all.

After I found out, I called Emily up. She didn’t mention anything about her parents. Everything seemed totally normal. We made the same jokes. We talked in the same weird voice we have been using for the past three years and still find hilarious. She invited me over and we sat in her van for what felt like a very long time listening to music. Neither of us mentioned anything about her parents. I didn’t know if I should say something. I really didn’t want to upset her. I knew she was going through enough.

Maybe she wasn’t talking to me about it because so much in her life was changing that she wanted our relationship to stay the same. It was rather awkward sitting there, just her, me and the music, with what felt like a big wall in between us. I knew we were both thinking about her parents and neither of us knew how to approach the subject or if she even wanted to at all. About a half an hour went by sitting in the hot van.

Then her mom came out and told us the family was having one of its weekly cook-outs on my great-grandmother’s lawn and it was time to go. Then she said, “Lillie, you know Uncle Mark left for a while.” I answered yes. Then she told both of us that Mark still loved Emily and Tony and that he always would. Emily got upset at her mom and asked her why she just came out and told us that in the middle of nowhere. Then she made a joke about the whole thing and we both laughed.

Then Emily said she had to get a jacket and she’d meet me at the cook-out. She went inside and her mom followed her in crying. Emily didn’t talk about it at the cook-out either. I didn’t know how to approach the subject. I decided I would just ask her how her mom and brother were doing. That night I talked to Emily on-line and asked her. She said better. And that’s as far as it went. She changed the subject.

After I finished writing that last sentence I called Emily and asked her if she wanted to read this letter. She said yes, so I printed it out and she ran over and got it and brought it back to her house and read it. She called me and said she loved it and now we talk about her parents constantly. About her father, mother and how she feels just in general. It’s almost all we talk about. Now I can ask her how she is or how her parents are. I think now Emily looks a lot happier. She even told me about something she told her therapist. I never thought she’d be that open with stuff like that. Words can change anything.

Sincerely,

Lillie Allison

p.s. b vnbvbvbvbgbgbgbgb that’s what happened when I banged my head on the keyboard trying to think of a last sentence.