The Bodybuilder – a found letter about a bad day.

[This week, Open Letters joins forces with Other People's Mail, the dormant zine of found letters. Today's letter was purloined in 1992 by an employee of the Kinko's where it was photocopied.]

Dear Judge,

I will try to brief, but please read this entire letter on my behalf, this is my only form of defense.

On the twenty-fourth of November, ninety-two, I was at my gym (XXXX Fitness on 41st Ave. in XXXXXXX, Ca.).

I just started bodybuilding on a competitive level. Anyway, I was working out really hard on the day mentioned above in which I was at the gym for over seven hours. My whole workout was isolated on only one muscle, the latissimus dorsi, which is located on the inner, and outer sides of the back, the nick name for this muscle is the “wings.” I worked this area really hard, in fact, too hard. I continued to workout til the gym began to close, I meant to save enough time to sit in the hot tub because I knew I would need to after this workout, so I would not be too sore in the morning, but I failed to leave the time needed for that comfort. Well anyway I got in my van, and prepared to drive home. As I began to back up and turn out of my parking space, I was not able to turn my steering wheel, I was simply too sore to make my van turn. Great, I really did it this time, I am too sore to drive home. So I decided to wait a while and try it again. I waited two hours before I started my van to try it again, and again I was too sore to turn that steering wheel. All the money I could find in my gym bag was $3.77 which was not enough for today’s taxi rates. So I was simply stuck, I just moved here in which I have no friends, or relatives within 400 miles, so as I mentioned, I was stuck there til my muscle was less sore, or even enough to drive in pain.

So I stretched out in the back of my ice cold cargo van (ice cold as in only metal and no insulation). I do not know how I fell asleep in that igloo, but I did til a police officer woke me up, only to say “sign here.” I tried to explain, but he said save it for the judge, so I did.

My courtdate is not til the sixth of April, in which I planned to contest that officer in court; but now I have a serious problem. My parents live in Phoenix, AZ and just bought a almost new house in Tuscon AZ for half of the regular price. Well because they saved huge amounts of money, and now own a extra bedroom, they invited me to live with them for less than I have to pay out here. The escrow on the new house closes on the seventh of Jan. in which they can start moving in on the 7th. So my parents are driving a moving truck here to pick up me and my van; then I can help them move.

This is my request of you, your honor:

Can I please work off my crime with community service, and have it finished with by Jan. 6th. So I can move to Arizona, and not have to come back for court?

Please let me work it off and be done with it, I am a very hard worker, I simply do not have the money to pay the fine, or I would, so I could be done with it.

Sincerely,

XXXXXX XXXXX XXXXXX